The Trouble With Hats
by boring the goose
Summary: Teddy Lupin is ready to be sorted just like any other kid. Unfortunately, the Sorting Hat has different plans...


**The Trouble With Hats…**

Disclaimer: I don't own Teddy Lupin, nor do I own the Sorting Hat. I just thought that this would be an amusing scenario.

"Lupin, Ted"

The eagle-eyed Professor called out his name. Stumbling, Teddy Remus Lupin perched himself on the three-legged stool and waited as the heavy cloth fell over his eye lids.

_Not a great mind, but there's plenty of creativity there. Interesting…_

"What the hell?" Teddy Lupin blurted out loud. Everyone in the hall was staring at him, though he couldn't see with the Sorting Hat draped over his eyes. "I thought you were a hat!"

_Foul language, but really, what more can you expect these days?_

"WHAT?!?" Teddy screamed, tearing the hat from his head. "I DO _NOT_ HAVE FOUL LANGUAGE!!!"

Professor McGonagall tried to repress a smirk. It wasn't the first time someone had yelled at the Sorting Hat. "Mr. Lupin, is there a problem here?"

"That bloody hat is insulting me!"

At that the whole hall burst into a fit of laughter. Seventh years, clearly remembering their experience with the know-it-all hat, were nodding appreciatively.

A smirk actually cracked McGonagall's face when he said that. The boy had nerve. "Mr. Lupin, please sit down so we can continue with the sorting ceremony."

Teddy rolled his eyes and grumbled audibly, but allowed the cap to once more be dropped onto his head.

The hat wasted no time in insulting him again. _A bit pigheaded-you have a lot of your mother in you, did you know? Clumsy too-I swear the resemblance between you two is uncanny…_

Again, the hat was ripped unceremoniously from the eleven year old's turquoise hair.

The Professor rolled her eyes. "Mr. Lupin, what seems to be the problem _now_?"

"IT WAS INSULTING MY MOTHER!"

"Mr. Lupin, if there seems to be a problem with the atmosphere we could always take care of your sorting later tonight after the feast where there is less pressure."

Teddy's mouth dropped. When he regained the ability of speech, he was yelling. "It's not the _atmosphere_, it's the BLOODY _HAT_!!!"

"Mr. Lupin…" The teacher's eyes were no longer amused. Her mouth coming out of its tight line, she formed her next words carefully. "I do not want to give you detention, as it is your first day here, but I will if I have to."

"I'll be fine." He muttered, though he was glaring at the hat murderously. Sighing, the headmistress dropped the heavy leather fabric over his eyes for the third time that evening.

_Hello again._ The hat chimed in amusement.

_Shut up._

_Oh, not very nice are we? I'll make that a mark towards Slytherin._

_I thought you were supposed to be impartial._

_I was for the first thousand years, but it got boring._

_Whatever, I'm ignoring you._

_Is that the cold shoulder I sense? That'll be another mark Slytherin's way._

_Dumb hat._

_I thought you were ignoring me?_

_Dumb hat._

_Hmm. Stubborn. I'll make that a notch for Gryffindor._

_God, could you possibly hurry up a bit? My butt hurts._

_Impatience…another Gryffindor trait…though only a Hufflepuff would complain about their ass hurting…_

_Since when can hats cuss?_

_Since always, now shut up. I'm deliberating._

Teddy rolled his eyes, though no one could see it under the hat. _Finally…_

_Let's see, iny-meeny-miny-mo…_

_WHAT!?_

_Geez, I'm kidding, get a sense of humor, will ya? Hmm, creativity, definitely Hufflepuffian…_

Outside of Teddy's head, Professor McGonagall was tapping her foot in impatience. It had been a while since the Sorting hat had taken so long on a student, and they had barely made it halfway down the list. Although it wasn't a very Headmistress-y thing for her to admit, Professor McGonagall was _starving_…

_And you wanted a pony when you were five; if that doesn't scream Hufflepuff, I don't know what does…_

Getting annoyed, Teddy screamed internally. _FINE! Why don't you just put me in Hufflepuff and get it over with?_

_OK!_

_What! No, I wasn't serious…_

_Too late pretty boy…_ "HUFFLEPUFF!"

The Hufflepuff table erupted into confused cheers as their newest member joined the ranks. Teddy Lupin didn't take any of the congratulations, just sat down on the bench mumbling.

"Damn hat."


End file.
